Are you constantly worried about your relationships? Do you find yourself fretting over whether your partner really loves you, or if they’re about to walk away?
If these thoughts sound all too familiar, you might be grappling with an anxious attachment style. But fear not!
You’re not alone in feeling this way, and there’s plenty of hope for promoting healthier, more secure relationships.
Anxious attachment can make you feel like you’re living on an emotional rollercoaster, exhilarating highs followed by plummeting lows, all based on the tiniest changes in your partner’s mood or behavior.
This can keep your nervous system in a constant state of alert, making you feel perpetually on edge, especially in romantic settings.
It’s exhausting, isn’t it?
This attachment style, rooted in our earliest relationships with caregivers, influences how we connect with others throughout our lives, including how we handle anxiety and navigate our closest relationships.
But here’s the good news: with understanding and effort, you can learn to how to deal with anxious attachment style, manage these anxious feelings and build stronger, more stable connections with your loved ones.
Whether you’re deeply familiar with the concept of anxious attachment or just starting to explore what it means for your relationships, this blog post is here to guide you.
We’ve gathered 10 of the best tips to help you deal with an anxious attachment style.
From improving your communication skills and practicing mindfulness to nurturing your inner child and prioritizing self-care, these strategies are designed to be both accessible and effective.
So, let’s plunge in and explore how you can start feeling more secure and confident in your relationships today.
What is Anxious Attachment?
Anxious attachment is a term from attachment theory, which describes the way we form emotional bonds and relationships with others, starting from our earliest connections with caregivers.
If you have an anxious attachment style, it means you often feel insecure about your relationships. You might worry a lot about whether your loved ones truly care for you or if they might leave you.
This can lead to behaviors where you seek constant reassurance and validation from your partners or friends, fearing abandonment at any sign of distance or conflict.
This attachment style is believed to develop in early childhood. It can be a result of caregivers who were inconsistently available or responsive to your needs.
As a child, you might have felt unsure whether your caregiver would respond to your needs, leading to anxiety about the stability of these important relationships.
This uncertainty can follow into adulthood, affecting how you relate to others in significant ways.
People with an anxious attachment style often experience high levels of emotional sensitivity and may overreact to perceived threats in a relationship.
They might also have a heightened desire for closeness, while simultaneously fearing getting too close might lead to rejection or loss.
Despite these challenges, with awareness and effort, individuals with an anxious attachment style can develop healthier, more secure relationships through understanding their patterns and working on their underlying fears and needs.
What is attachment theory?
Attachment theory is the theory that humans are born with a constant need to form a close emotional connections with a caregiver, and that if the caregiver is responsive enough, this bond will form during the first six months of a child’s life and child’s needs.
John Bowlby, active from 1907 to 1990, was the first person to come up with the theory of attachment. He was trying to figure out why babies were so upset when they were taken away from their parents.
Bowlby believed that a person’s sense of security as a child is a key part of their attachment style as an adult.
Bowlby thought that the “attachment system,” had two main jobs: to protect vulnerable people from possible threats or harm, and to keep negative feelings in check after threats or harm.
Bowlby’s attachment theory found that when babies are taken out of their familiar environments and separated from their parents, they generally respond one of three ways:
Secure: The babies in this category become distressed, but as soon as the parent returns, they seek the parent out and are quickly comforted by them. Kids who act in this way are commonly referred to as secure.
Anxious-resistant attachment (or anxious attachment): The babies in this category are initially uncomfortable and then experience severe distress when separated from their parents.
Importantly, these kids have a hard time being comforted by their parents when they’re reunited with them, often displaying ambivalent behaviours that suggest they want to be comforted but also want to “punish” the parent for leaving.
Avoidant attachment: The babies in this category don’t seem to be bothered much by being separated from their parents and, once reunited, they actively avoid making eye contact with them, instead choosing to focus on toys or other distractions.
Disorganized-disoriented: In the later years, Researchers identified a fourth attachment style, which describes children whose attachment behaviours do not follow a regular pattern.
Attachment theory goes a step further by using what we know about how children form relationships to explain how adults form intimate relationships.
These relationships, particularly close and/or romantic ones, are also directly related to how we attached to and were cared for by our primary caregivers as young children.
The four different attachment styles
- Secure attachment style: You are trusting and feel comfortable with closeness and separation.
- Anxious-resistant attachment (or anxious attachment): Your strong desire for intimacy is paired with doubts and fear of abandonment. Most people who have anxious attachment are needy. They worry a lot and have low self-esteem. They want close relationships with other people but are afraid that no one will want to be with them. They have fear of rejection
- Avoidant attachment style: You live with a strong desire for independence and a sense of not needing others.
- Disorganized-disoriented: You may experience inner conflicts between wanting intimacy and having fear of getting too close
Anxious-resistant attachment, Avoidant attachment and Disorganized-disoriented fall under the category of insecure attachment styles.
Anxious attachment triggers
Even a loving, careful parent may not be able to make a secure attachment bond with an infant for a number of reasons.
Possible reasons for insecure attachment:
- Mother being too young or lacking in experience to provide adequate care.
- Your caregiver got depressed because they were alone, didn’t have much social support, or had hormone problems, among other things. This made them stop caring for you.
- Your primary caregiver was addicted to alcohol or other drugs, which made it harder for them to understand your physical needs or emotional needs and meet them.
- Traumatic events, like a serious illness or accident, that stopped the process of attachment.
- Physical neglect includes things like not eating well, not getting enough exercise, or not taking care of medical problems.
- Neglect or abuse of the emotions. For example, your caretaker didn’t pay much attention to you as a child, didn’t try very hard to understand how you felt, or verbally abused you.
- Abuse of the body or the sexual organs, including physical harm or sexual violation.
- When your primary caregiver is sick, dies, gets divorced, or gives you up for adoption.
- The primary caregiver was not consistent. You may have had a series of babysitters or staff at day care centres.
- Frequent moves or placements. For example, you moved around a lot when you were young because you lived in orphanages or moved from foster home to foster home.
Signs of an anxious attachment style
- Having trouble trusting others.
- Being moody, emotional, impulsive, and hard to predict.
- A sense of low self-worth.
- A need for closeness and intimacy.
- Are needy or clingy.
- Being too dependent in a relationship and needing to be told often that people care.
- Using a relationship, object, or job to define your sense of worth
- Fear that your potential partners will leave you.
- Get fixated on one person to the point of obsession.
- Being too sensitive to a partner’s actions and moods.
Examples of anxious attachment
- Asking your partner repeatedly if they find you attractive.
- Repeatedly calling or texting your partner until they respond.
- Constantly checking social media for information.
- Going along with friends’ plans even if you don’t want to.
- Feeling suspicious when everything is calm.
- Having trouble saying “no” even when you feel you should.
- Neglecting your basic needs to prioritize someone else’s.
- Trying to avoid breaking up by any means even when the relationship is over.
How anxious attachment style may affect adult relationships
- You may feel ashamed of your need for love and attention if you have an anxious attachment style. Or, doubts and concerns about your partner’s affection may be wearing you down.
- You long for a committed partnership and the companionship it brings, but you have difficulty committing to or relying on a potential partner.
- When you’re in a serious relationship, you start to focus all of your attention on the other person.
- If you and your partner have a hard time accepting physical distance from one another, you may experience negative emotions like panic, anger, or fear that your partner no longer wants you.
- You overreact to any potential threats to the relationship because they threaten your sense of self-worth, which is heavily dependent on how you are treated in the relationship.
- Because you experience anxiety or jealousy when apart from your partner, you may resort to guilt, controlling behaviour, or other manipulative strategies to keep them by your side.
- Your partner needs to shower you with attention and constant reassurance.
- People around you may judge you as too needy or clingy, and it may be difficult for you to form and maintain meaningful healthy relationships.
How to Deal With Anxious Attachment Style for Healthier Relationships
It is possible to go from being an anxiously attached adult to a securely attached romantic partner. The first step is
1. Boost your ability to communicate nonverbally
The success of adult relationships, just like the first one you have with your primary caregiver, depends on nonverbal forms of communication.
This is one of the most vital lessons learned from attachment theory.
Even if you’re not aware of it, when you interact with people, you constantly send and receive nonverbal cues through gestures, posture, how much eye contact you make, and other factors.
These nonverbal cues convey your true feelings in a powerful way.
At any age, you can improve and deepen your relationships with others by learning to read, understand, and communicate without words.
Being present in the moment, learning to control your stress, and increasing your emotional awareness are all ways you can learn to improve these abilities.
2. Work on how you communicate
If you can tell your loved ones what you think, how you feel, and how you act, the relationships are more likely to work out.
If you have an anxious attachment issues or an anxious person, you may be more likely to communicate in a way that puts the constant needs of others first. You can’t get what you need because of this trend.
3. Practice Mindfulness
Regular mindfulness practices may assist you in focusing on the present moment and finding productive ways to deal with unpleasant emotions in a healthy way.
Mindfulness is a crucial way for you to be in the present.
By developing your mindfulness, you can connect with other people, be more present, and make your relationships stronger.
Some exercises based on mindfulness might be:
- Guided meditation
- Yoga
- Walking meditation
- Tai chi
- Gardening
Investigate your use of negative thinking patterns that aren’t based on fact or reality and when they occur.
Your negative thought processes may be keeping you from appreciating the good aspects of your relationships.
4. Interrogate your thoughts
When you’re having negative thought patterns, remind yourself that even though they may feel very real at the time, they may not be true.
Don’t believe every negative thought you have; instead, try to challenge them when they come up and preoccupy your thoughts with positivity.
Think about how strong the evidence is that what you think is true and whether there is a more likely explanation.
5. Embrace personal growth and self-discovery
You can better define yourself outside of your relationship by taking the time to consider your values, own needs, and beliefs.
Your healing process may be aided by increasing your self-respect and awareness.
You can fuel your quest for self-discovery with the aid of these exercises:
- Meditation
- Practising intentional living
- Recognising self-defeating habits
- Identify what makes you feel anxious
- Setting healthy boundaries
- Journaling with a phrase, a question, or an idea you start building on.
6. Work with a therapist
Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) may help if attachment style is preventing you from having a healthy relationship or a romantic relationship.
Emotion-focused therapy (EFT) bases its approach to healing on the notion that emotions and identity are closely related. On a daily basis, emotions help us define our preferences and make decisions.
EFT presupposes that:
- It’s harmful to lack emotional intelligence.
- Avoiding your feelings can have a negative impact on your life.
- Over time, avoiding or ignoring your emotional reaction may affect how you process emotions in the future.
Therapy can help you get to know and understand yourself better, which will help you gain self-compassion and higher self-esteem, which are the cornerstones of a secure attachment style.
7. Show vulnerability
You might find it useful to concentrate on developing emotional safety and practising vulnerability in order to feel more secure.
This will help you to convince yourself that taking the risk is worthwhile.
Saying no when you don’t like something, Step out of your comfort zone and asking for what you want.
Be honest with others about your needs, wants, and emotions despite your fear that doing so will cause them to be disappointed or upset.
8. Build connections with people who are securely attached
It can be difficult, if not downright painful, to be in a relationship with someone who shares your insecure attachment style.
If you’re single and struggling with insecurities, it may be beneficial to find a partner with a secure attachment style who can help you break free of your destructive thought and behaviour habits.
One of the key ingredients in developing a sense of safety is a healthy, loving secure relationship with someone who encourages you, supports you and make you feel safe.
There is a good chance of finding romantic partners who can help you overcome your insecurities because, according to studies, between fifty and sixty percent of people have a secure attachment style.
Making close connections with people like this can also aid in the process of recognising and adopting new habits.
9. Embrace self-care
Make an effort to do something for your own physical, emotional and mental health and well-being every day. Maintaining this routine will help reduce your stress.
Self-care activities, like pursuing a hobby, taking a long bath, or watching a favourite TV show, can be very effective in lowering stress and tension levels.
As an added bonus, self-care can help you develop the mental toughness and sense of self-worth that are pivotal in dealing with anxiety.
10. Nurture your inner child
In many cases, it is helpful to heal the part of yourself that was a young child when you first formed an anxious attachment to a caretaker.
To accomplish this, you must provide yourself with the nurturing environment you lacked as a young child.
Be kind to yourself; if you feel the need, check in with, console, and forgive your past self-errors.
Just as you would be gentle with a young child, so too should you be with yourself.
Final Thoughts – How to Overcome Anxious Attachment Style
Dealing with an anxious attachment style might seem tough, but it’s definitely something you can work on and improve.
It’s all about understanding your feelings, knowing where they come from, and taking steps to feel more secure and happy in your relationships.
- Understand Your Feelings: First off, get to know why you feel the way you do. Think about the worry voice that makes you doubt your relationships and try to figure out why it’s there.
- Talk About It: Sharing how you feel with friends, family, or a therapist can really help. It’s like turning on a light in a dark room – things become clearer and less scary.
- Practice Trust: Try to trust a little more each day. It’s like a muscle that gets stronger the more you use it. Remember, everyone needs space sometimes, and it doesn’t mean they care about you any less.
- Self-Care is Key: Take good care of yourself. When you feel good about yourself, that worry voice gets quieter. Find things that make you happy and do them often.
- Set Small Goals: Work on your attachment style step by step. Maybe start by not checking your phone to see if someone has messaged you for a certain time. Small wins can lead to big changes.
- Seek Support: Sometimes, we need a little help, and that’s okay. Talking to a professional like a therapist can give you tools and strategies to manage your feelings better.
Changing an anxious attachment style doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time, patience, and a bit of bravery.
But every step you take towards feeling more secure in your relationships is a step towards a happier, more confident you.
So, take a deep breath, believe in yourself, and start on the path to overcoming those worries.
You’ve got this!
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